There are useful things to learn about what your Box is and what your Gremlin is before you can make maximum use of what is explained here. We suggest that you explore the Box Technology bubble and the Your Gremlin bubble before continuing here so that you already have the distinctions we will use to untangle your resentments.
It is also useful to experientially explore the vast difference between your 4 feelings and your 4 emotions so that you are familiar with how they work, and what they are useful for when used consciously.
Resentment is optional. Resentment is an option that is chosen by your Box/Gremlin, not chosen by your Being. Your Box and your Being have different priorities and different purposes.
Resentment is an emotional reaction that you feel when you believe in a particular interpretation that you made up about something that happened which you think should NOT have happened, or about something that did NOT happen that you think should have happened.
Anyone can create the experience of resentment for themselves by mixing:
Emotional Anger about someone doing something that you expected them not to do, or they failed to do something that you expected them to do, mixed with
Emotional Sadness about losing something that one part of you wanted, mixed with
Emotional Fear that a previous wonderful condition will never be found again, mixed with
Emotional Gremlin Joy from killing the possibility of intimacy and therefore returning to aloneness so that nothing will change. By keeping your Box patterns safely unchanged, your Gremlin thinks it is doing a good job keeping you safe.
The procedure for escaping from resentment involves self observation of your 5 Bodies so that you notice how and why you have created your resentment, and conscious will to try experiments that create something other than resentment.
In particular you will need to learn how to unmix your emotions. PLEASE DO THIS NOW. Being able to recognize mixed emotions in yourself, and unmix them, will definitely serve you for the rest of your life, and could possible serve many other people if you decide to show them how this goes.
Resentment Is Gremlin Food
By stopping intimacy your Gremlin creates separation.
Separation is intensely painful. The one who feels resentment has won. The one who is resented has lost.
This is why it is so common for both people to feel resentful at the same time, so they both live in the fantasy world that they have 'won'.
But it is their Box and Gremlin who have 'won'. Their Being has lost.
Resentment is trying to get revenge instead of trying to get responsible.
Trying to avoid responsibility is a Gremlin's primary purpose.
Using your primary relationship as a Gremlin feeding ground where resentment goes unquestioned only makes for a fat Gremlin. Love cannot thrive there, and your Being goes starving.
It is possible to hold your primary relationship as a Gremlin-free space. By learning a few Possibilitator tools and skills you can become an intimacy journeyer.
Resentment Is A Survival Strategy
When you feel resentment, your Box/Gremlin feels like they have won (they feel it secretly, gleefully, smugly, with superiority, and with the arrogance of being sure that you are right and the other person is wrong...) because your Box/Gremlin has succeeded in doing its job, namely, to keep you surviving.
Your Box/Gremlin feels like it is doing its job of keeping you surviving when it feels right, or when it proves that someone else wrong. This is why 'being right' or 'making someone else wrong' feels so 'good' and 'important' while you are doing it.
The huge unquestioned justification behind feeling resentful is that you are sure you are right. Feeling 'right' equates to surviving.
To 'survive' means that the habit patterns of your Box can continue as they are. You do not have to learn any new skills. Your level of relatedness and your ability to create and change things remain the same. No new potential is unfolded. You do not evolve. You survive.
If you have created resentment with anyone it is because you have surrendered your life to the Box/Gremlin purpose of survival. Survival seems so obviously the right thing to surrender to.
You have no alternative to survival because you are not initiated. Before now you may not have even been aware that something like authentic adulthood initiatory processes exist.
Your parents are not initiated. The people working in the government, the school system or corporations are not initiated. The police are not initiated. Your friends are not initiated.
They are all dedicated to the seemingly proper human endeavor of mere survival. Dog-eat-dog. Winner-takes-all. I win, you lose! Ha, ha, ha!
Nonetheless, something other than survival is possible. Living is possible.
Living exists in a completely different context than mere survival.
Living is guided by a completely different set of purposes than survival.
Trying to be in relationship while you are uninitiated and dedicated to mere survival automatically forces you to create resentments so that you can stay disconnected and in survival.
Something completely different from mere survival is possible right now. Living is possible for you right now.
Moving your Point Of Origin from mere survival to living full out occurs step-by-step through authentic adulthood initiatory processes and through becoming an experimenter ongoingly doing experiments and practices that build the matrix in your Being to hold more consciousness.
You can do this. And, if you choose to take this Path then you will go through Liquid States during which the shape of your Box changes. Your Box will expand, and in the new inner-space your Being will activate more and more of its vast potentials.
Probably during this evolutionary process you will leave behind some of your current friends who choose not to go on this journey with you. This can be deeply saddening.
Grieving the apparent loss of friends due to participating in evolutionary initiatory processes is appropriate, but it is also shocking because you were probably not aware that this might happen. Shifting friend circles is natural (there are new friends waiting to meet you and get to know you right now...), and, your old friends and relatives are not actually 'lost'. As you enter Phase 2 of practicing your new skills and awarenesses, you will get your old friends back again, although in a new form of friendship... adult and archetypal friendship.
Resentment Kills Intimacy
...intense little conversations.
Harry & Samantha: Resentment Kills Intimacy
Jordon Peterson - facing into your own resentment
Have you done everything you could to set your life straight?
I knew I had resentments: against my mother, my ex-husband, my former housemates and some friends and other ex-es who had “done me wrong.” As I worked with the Resentment website, I gained more distinctions about the anatomy of resentments, how resentment works, and how I kill intimacy by having them. I felt deep sadness, some anger, fear and then joy, as I started to clear my resentments. It turned me into a resentment hunter, finding them under every frown, sigh, and rolled eye gesture I made for months and months... READ MORE
Your Box Might Crystallize
The world is rich in evidence.
There is so much evidence in the world that you can find some piece of evidence to support any story you want to make up about yourself, about your circumstances, about what happened before, what is happening now, what might happen anytime in the future, and about anyone else.
It only takes one tiny bit of evidence to support a gigantic story.
Once you have identified something as the evidence for your viewpoint, your interpretation, your story, then something magical happens. Your story becomes 'true' (meaning 'true for you').
The stories that you make up about yourself, about the people around you, and about what you are supposed to do in a world like this with people like them, are located in your Box.
What this means is that your stories solidify (and after a while they crystallize) and make the shape of your Box. Your stories become part of your comprehensive 360 degree filter that is active 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, telling you what you can perceive and how to perceive it, and what you can express and how to express it.
And if you do not disidentify from your Box, then you think that your Box is who you are.
The result is that you will be stuck inside this survival construct - imprisoned inside of it - like a chicken is encased in its eggshell - but for the rest of your life, until you escape the 8 prisons through authentic adulthood initiatory processes and grow up.
Dismantling a resentment requires dismantling the story that supports it.
Dismantling one of the stories in your Box changes the shape of your entire Box.
And if you are identified with your Box as if your Box is who you are... then changing even one story in one part of your Box feels like dying. This is truly scary.
Most people who have let their Gremlin create stories about their partner so that they feel resentment towards their partner choose to take apart their relationship rather than take apart their stories.
Then their Gremlin creates the same kinds of stories to create resentment with their next partner...
Think about it from the Box's point of view. If your Being were to allow another Being to get closer to you than the walls of your Box, then that other Being could turn around and look over its shoulder and see that your Box was fake.
Your Box is fictional.
That mask you wear, those attitudes you carry, all those opinions, your cool style, your mysterious secrets... it is all fake. It is a shell. It is a mere survival strategy.
Yes it works... to survive in isolation prison. But staying in there for years behind your pretty-face tough-guy facade does not work if you want to live.
How lonely are you in there?
And if you avoid the Path of transformation and the evolution of consciousness for too long, your Box crystallizes into its current shape. I am sure you know people who, every time you meet with them, tell you the same old stories over-and-over again, have the same kinds of problems... do you want to end up like that? Crystallization can already start happening in your early thirties...
It could be your time to jump into an evolutionary healing process... taking apart your resentments is a good place to start with this.
The Phoenix Process
You can call it by different names, for example, the Death And Resurrection Show, or The Phoenix Process. The same three steps of the experience apply to both individuals and organizations who enter evolutionary change.
The three phases go like this:
Live full out in your wisest self-exploration and self-expression until you crash and burn (which might be only three minutes since the last time...)
Crash and burn. Let your whole world disintegrate into ash and crumble to dust. (It helps to know that whatever is useful cannot burn or disintegrate or crumble...) You may experience inexplicable reactivity. You may feel feelings and emotions. You may go through liquid states in any or all of your five bodies. This is the 'death' part. While the 'death' part is happening, the 'resurrection' part does not feel as if it is guaranteed. It feels like: This it is. Everything is gone. It's game-over, forever. I am a failure. Let it intensely feel like it feels, and go to the source of what you are experiencing. Find out why you feel like it is failure. Find out what in you was trying to be successful in the first place? And successful for who? And why? Learn while you burn.
Keep waiting. Do not try to force anything. Especially do not let yourself think that you know how it should be or how the next iteration should go. Do not beat yourself up. Do not listen to the voices in your head - use your Voice Blaster on them instantly. Stop trying to do something right. People are arrogant... but thinking you know how it should go better next time is raw hubris. See if you can avoid that. Keep waiting. Did you ever try to force a seed to sprout faster than it is sprouting? You kill it that way. Keep breathing. Stay as present as you can to the shifting around of your inner organization. Let your deepest foundational parts reorder. Let your guts flop around. Keep waiting. As some point, maybe even before you notice, something new is rising out of the ashes. Let the strange impulses guide your into a fuller aliveness and connectedness with the world. As soon as the new thing starts standing on its two feet, go back to Phase 1.
It is far, far easier to avoid making a resentment than it is to take a resentment apart once you have made one.
It's humorous that you might actually think anyone else has anything to do with creating any resentment you carry. Your resentments are entirely your doing.
You are the one who made the assumption.
You are the one who assumed that your assumption is true, thereby transforming your assumption into an expectation.
You are the one who aimed your expectation probably at someone you love or at the least, someone you admire.
And when this person (or this institution, because you can also create resentments about an institution) fails to meet your expectations, you are the one who has been carrying around your resentment rather than noticing the energetic and emotional burden it places upon you and dismantling it instantly.
How can you dismantle a resentment? The same way you built it. Rather than using the process of creating, you use the process of discreating.
Both creating, and discreating, originate in responsibility. We live in a responsible universe. In this universe you are irrevocably responsible for what you create, regardless of whether you are conscious of what you create or not.
You used Your Will to create each of the decisions that resulted in your resentment.
You can now consciously use Your Will to make each of the decisions that will result in vanishing forever your resentment.
By vanishing a resentment, the part of your self-image or comfort zone or identity that is tied up sustaining that resentment will die.
On the other hand, continuing to carry your resentment makes you shut down, not present, dishonest, uninspired, in other words, you become one of the living dead - a Zombie.
Make your choice wisely: either die, or stay dead.
Some people mistakenly interpret this as the impulse to kill themselves. Killing yourself is a form of revenge. It tries to convince the world that your parents or your partner did not love you enough and so you ended up killing yourself. Killing yourself just makes another mess that other people have to clean up. Killing yourself is a Gremlin feast. We have heard that if you kill yourself, in your next life you have to work in the Post Office. You might want to put your Gremlin on a tighter leash and drop the idea.
What are the decisions and resulting actions you would make to dismantle a resentment? They would be something like this:
Admit to yourself that you have a resentment.
Immediately get out your Beep! Book and start a new page entitled RESENTMENT #1. (After you have titled the new page I will tell you the next step. I'll wait here until you have titled the new page in your Beep! Book. I can actually wait a long time like this. How long can you wait... continuing to mope along like a walking dead person in your self-made resentment? I'm still waiting. Did you do it yet? Are you going to lie to me and yourself that you have done it already? Just a small deception, you think? That would make you a lying walking dead person. I wouldn't suggest losing even more of your dignity by lying to me about such a small thing as titling a new page in your Beep! Book with the words RESENTMENT #1. Let me know when you've gotten yourself together about this... Then you can go on to the next step.)
Under where it says RESENTMENT #1 in your Beep! Book, describe how the resentment feels. What are its qualities? What changes to have the resentment? When do you notice that you have this resentment? Who is my resentment directed towards? As soon as you figure who the resentment is about, write in your Beep! Book: "I am holding this resentment against (Write their name.) in order to cut off intimacy with them. I want to cut off intimacy with them because (Write exactly why deeper intimacy with this person scares you so much. In such cases, anger often covers up fear. You are angry at the thing that makes you afraid. Go for what causes your fear.)."
Start introspecting with Self Observation to follow the mixed emotions of your resentment back to its source. You might take a quiet walk alone (not a jog...) (not with the dog...) (not to go shopping...) to think about this. What is the resentment about exactly? What happened or did not happen you started resenting this person? Write your answers into your Beep! Book.
By finding the moment you started resenting the other person, you can now identify the expectation (or series of expectations...) that you have been holding towards them. Make a numbered list into you Beep! Book where you write: "The expectations I hold towards (write the person's name) which they did not fulfill include:" To be kind, I will give you a few suggestions of the kinds of expectations people often hold against each other. "I expected:
That they would respect me.
That they would be perfect (according to my definition of 'perfect', which probably is my mother's definition of 'perfect'...)
That they would love me unconditionally (or at least as much as I love them).
That they would love me exclusively and faithfully.
That they would not exchange sexual energetic substances with anyone else but me.
That they would give all their loving attention to me and not have eyes for anyone else.
That they would do everything they could to solve my problems and make me comfortable.
That they would clean up their own messes.
That they would keep their promises.
That they would keep their time agreements.
That they would do what they tell me they would do.
That they would carry their share of the load of daily chores like shopping and cooking meals and vacuuming and dusting the house and putting the dishes away and washing the clothes and washing the windows and raking up the leaves and walking the dog and paying the bills and planning our next vacation.
That they would make tons of money so we do not have to be in money survival.
That they would be inspired by their work and take care of the children and make lots of private time to be alone with me.
That they would take me on wild sexual adventures and stay happy and exciting.
That they would evolve their awareness and expand their consciousness in the same way and at the same evolutionary rate as me.
That they would come to Possibility Team and Possibility Management trainings with me.
You get the idea... Get radically honest here. Write your expectations clearly and in detail in your Beep! Book using your own words.
Each of the expectations that you just wrote down in your Beep! Book was generated from an assumption that you made about how things should be, should not be, could be... etc. These assumptions may not have originated in you. They may have come from your parents, from movies, from stories you read, from religion classes as a child, from your grandmother, from teachers at school, from society at large. Please title a new page in your Beep! BookMY ASSUMPTIONS and below that copy the numbers of your resentments. For each resentment write the assumptions behind each of your expectations and exactly where your assumptions came from.
Consider each of your assumptions. Remember, anybody can make any assumption about anything. This is what you have done. The question to ask yourself for each assumption you made is: What is my Purpose? There could be many possible purposes... such as, to set yourself up for betrayal so that your Gremlin can create resentment to feed on, to take a position where you can try to prove yourself right and make others wrong, to try to avoid feeling scared that something 'bad' might happen so you have an excuse not to show up and deliver the services of your Archetypal Lineage (such as that a meteor might fall on your head, that terrorists might bomb the next restaurant you go in, that somebody learns your passwords and steals all your money, that you get Coronavirus, that your photo and name are spread all over the morning's newspapers exposing you doing something nakedly wrong, etc.). Write down the purpose for each assumption you have made.
Re-consider if you (the whole you, meaning your Being, not your Box, not your Gremlin, not trying to be a nice girl or good boy for your mother... we mean the small here, small NOW, self-aware adult you...) are still fond of serving that purpose. YES. Or, NO. These are clear simple answers. Write your YES or NO by each of the assumptions you have made.
For each YES, make a big red dot by it, so you can think about it later.
For each NO, make a list at the back of your Beep! Book titled: MY NEXT EMOTIONAL HEALING PROCESSES, and make arrangements to go through the 5 Body healing processes during Possibility Coaching sessions, or at the next Possibility Lab you attend so that your other four bodies (Physical Body, Emotional Body, Energetic Body, and Archetypal Body) can reorder themselves to align with your Intellectual Body's decision to no longer serve those purposes.
NOW COMES THE HARD PART: All of the above 10 procedures have prepared you to be successful with the actual dismantling of your resentment, which you will do in person, alone, with the person (or institution) you have been resentful with. Resentment is a mixed emotion... with anger, sadness, fear, and irresponsible Gremlin joy all mixed together. Dismantling your resentment depends on you unmixing these four emotions that you mix together to make yourself feel resentful.
Contact the person (or institution) you have created the resentment with. Arrange to have a one-on-one personal meeting in private with them for about an hour. If they ask you for a reason for the meeting you can tell them that you had a realization about yourself and you would like to share it with them. This is not a Zoom call or WhatsApp call or FaceBook call. This is an in-the-flesh face-to-face private meeting with your Beep! Book along. If doing this is too scary for you, then trust your fear and arrange to have a Possibility Coach, Possibility Mediator, or Possibility Trainer at your side to hold space and navigate the meeting process. It will be a process. Remember, before you have this meeting it will help you tremendously if you already know how to consciously feel, and how to unmix your emotions.
Once you and your Beep! Book (and possibly your Coach) are at your meeting, say to the person you used as a target for your resentments something like, "Hello. Thank you for meeting with me. I have had some realizations about myself that I would like to share with you. I discovered that I created resentments towards you by making many assumptions and arrogantly assuming that my assumptions were true, which changed my assumptions into expectations. Then each time one of my expectations was not fulfilled I made a resentment. These resentments have been unpleasantly shaping my world. I want my world to have a new shape, without these resentments. I would like it if you could listen to me explain which assumptions I made and which expectations I aimed at you, and I would like it if you could simply be present with me while I disassemble my emotional resentment prison. You don't have to do or say anything. I would appreciate it if you could simply witness this process with me. I am sorry that I made resentments towards you. I will be feeling things while I undo these resentment. I will be okay." If the other person says, "Okay," then you can begin.
Start with identifying one of your biggest resentments in your Beep! Book. Read it to your listener. Remember, you made up each resentment by mixing together these four emotional components:
EMOTIONAL ANGER about someone doing something that you expected them not to do, or they failed to do something that you expected them to do, mixed with:
EMOTIONAL SADNESS about losing something that one part of you wanted, mixed with:
EMOTIONAL FEAR that a previous wonderful condition will never be found again, mixed with:
EMOTIONAL GREMLIN JOY from killing the possibility of intimacy and therefore returning to aloneness so that nothing will change. By keeping your Box patterns safely unchanged, your Gremlin thinks it is doing a good job keeping you safe.
Take the part of your world view apart where the resentment is built into it. This is a kind of Self Surgery. It is going to hurt. Do it with full experience and as little drama as possible. There is no blame at all possible to direct at the other person, and also not at yourself either - because before now you did not know any better.
Withdrawing Expectations From Someone One-At-A-Time Forever
Choose one relationship with which to do this experiment. Choose someone close to you, probably your primary partner, or someone you are creating a project with. Ask this person if they would do this experiment with you. Sit across from each other in chairs. You can do this with or without a spaceholder. (Better with a spaceholder.)
Person A starts by paying close attention to your thoughts as they look at the person sitting across from them. Notice the stories that you have created about Person B as a result of that person not meeting your past expectations of them. These incidents should be easy to find because each one leaves an emotional scar on your heart.
Say out loud each expectation that you hold towards them by saying “I expect you to…” or, “I expect that you…” and also tell about times when they didn’t fulfill your expectations.
Be vigilant and specific. Keep going describing the qualities of the relationship that you have created through holding big or small expectations towards Person B.
Now consider removing all of your expectations about this person, one at a time. Imagine what it would be like to participate in this relationship without expectations. If you stop expecting something, anything, then what the other person does is what they do, and you can be present with them with who they actually are instead of with your unfulfilled expectations of what they should be or should not have done or been.
What would the other person experience if they were in a relationship with you that was completely free of your expectations? Would they begin to experience being accepted? Would they begin to experience being respected?
Here is where this experiment becomes transformational.
Person A chooses one well-justified expectation that you have held about Person B for some time. Then, say to this person, “I have been holding onto an expectation of you that _______,” and fill in the blank with the specifics of your expectation.
Then say, “I withdraw FOREVER the expectation that you _______.”
Then say nothing. Calmly wait in the new space you have just created. Stay present.
Stay connected. Let the feelings come up. Keep breathing.
Experience what happens inside of you, inside of the other person, and in the connection space when you withdraw your expectation forever from them.
Reverse roles between Person A and Person B, and start over.
Consider performing this same experiment with one or two additional expectations. No more. Our nervous system can only adjust to so much transformation at one given moment.
Experimenting is a way to practice simple skills that eventually flow together into greater competence.
What is competence to one woman may seem like magic to another woman,
but it's actually just competence in an uncommon dimension.