It takes but one resentment to kill any intimacy.
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- UNDERSTANDING RESENTMENT -
How to Create a Resentment?
Resentment Is A Mixed Emotion
There are useful things to learn about what your Box is and what your Gremlin is before you can make maximum use of what is explained here. We suggest that you explore the Box Technology bubble and the Your Gremlin bubble before continuing here so that you already have the distinctions we will use to untangle your resentments.
It is also useful to experientially explore the vast difference between your 4 feelings and your 4 emotions so that you are familiar with how they work, and what they are useful for when used consciously.
Resentment is optional. Resentment is an option that is chosen by your Box/Gremlin, not chosen by your Being. Your Box and your Being have different priorities and different purposes.
Resentment is an emotional reaction that you feel when you believe in a particular interpretation that you made up about something that happened which you think should NOT have happened, or about something that did NOT happen that you think should have happened.
Anyone can create the experience of resentment for themselves by mixing:
Resentment Is Gremlin Food
By stopping intimacy your Gremlin creates separation.
Separation is intensely painful. The one who feels resentment has won. The one who is resented has lost.
This is why it is so common for both people to feel resentful at the same time, so they both live in the fantasy world that they have 'won'.
But it is their Box and Gremlin who have 'won'. Their Being has lost.
Resentment is trying to get revenge instead of trying to get responsible.
Trying to avoid responsibility is a Gremlin's primary purpose.
Using your primary relationship as a Gremlin feeding ground where resentment goes unquestioned only makes for a fat Gremlin. Love cannot thrive there, and your Being goes starving.
Resentment Is A Survival Strategy
Harry & Samantha: Resentment Kills Intimacy
Thoughtmap Of Resentment
Your Box Might Crystallize
The world is rich in evidence.
There is so much evidence in the world that you can find some piece of evidence to support any story you want to make up about yourself, about your circumstances, about what happened before, what is happening now, what might happen anytime in the future, and about anyone else.
It only takes one tiny bit of evidence to support a gigantic story.
Once you have identified something as the evidence for your viewpoint, your interpretation, your story, then something magical happens. Your story becomes 'true' (meaning 'true for you').
If you do not catch yourself (or your Gremlin Ego State, or your Parent Ego State, or your Child Ego State) making up stories, finding evidence to validate your stories, and thus making your stories 'true', you will be living in a very confusing world that is located quite far away from reality (and therefore far away from possibility).
The stories that you make up about yourself, about the people around you, and about what you are supposed to do in a world like this with people like them, are located in your Box.
What this means is that your stories solidify (and after a while they crystallize) and make the shape of your Box. Your stories become part of your comprehensive 360 degree filter that is active 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, telling you what you can perceive and how to perceive it, and what you can express and how to express it.
And if you do not disidentify from your Box, then you think that your Box is who you are.
The result is that you will be stuck inside this survival construct - imprisoned inside of it - like a chicken is encased in its eggshell - but for the rest of your life, until you escape the 8 prisons through authentic adulthood initiatory processes and grow up.
Dismantling a resentment requires dismantling the story that supports it.
Dismantling one of the stories in your Box changes the shape of your entire Box.
And if you are identified with your Box as if your Box is who you are... then changing even one story in one part of your Box feels like dying. This is truly scary.
Most people who have let their Gremlin create stories about their partner so that they feel resentment towards their partner choose to take apart their relationship rather than take apart their stories.
Then their Gremlin creates the same kinds of stories to create resentment with their next partner...
Think about it from the Box's point of view. If your Being were to allow another Being to get closer to you than the walls of your Box, then that other Being could turn around and look over its shoulder and see that your Box was fake.
Your Box is fictional.
That mask you wear, those attitudes you carry, all those opinions, your cool style, your mysterious secrets... it is all fake. It is a shell. It is a mere survival strategy.
Yes it works... to survive in isolation prison. But staying in there for years behind your pretty-face tough-guy facade does not work if you want to live.
How lonely are you in there?
And if you avoid the Path of transformation and the evolution of consciousness for too long, your Box crystallizes into its current shape. I am sure you know people who, every time you meet with them, tell you the same old stories over-and-over again, have the same kinds of problems... do you want to end up like that? Crystallization can already start happening in your early thirties...
It could be your time to jump into an evolutionary healing process... taking apart your resentments is a good place to start with this.
The Phoenix Process
Withdrawing Expectations From Someone One-At-A-Time Forever
Choose one relationship with which to do this experiment. Choose someone close to you, probably your primary partner, or someone you are creating a project with. Ask this person if they would do this experiment with you. Sit across from each other in chairs. You can do this with or without a spaceholder. (Better with a spaceholder.)
Person A starts by paying close attention to your thoughts as they look at the person sitting across from them. Notice the stories that you have created about Person B as a result of that person not meeting your past expectations of them. These incidents should be easy to find because each one leaves an emotional scar on your heart.
Say out loud each expectation that you hold towards them by saying “I expect you to…” or, “I expect that you…” and also tell about times when they didn’t fulfill your expectations.
Be vigilant and specific. Keep going describing the qualities of the relationship that you have created through holding big or small expectations towards Person B.
Now consider removing all of your expectations about this person, one at a time. Imagine what it would be like to participate in this relationship without expectations. If you stop expecting something, anything, then what the other person does is what they do, and you can be present with them with who they actually are instead of with your unfulfilled expectations of what they should be or should not have done or been.
What would the other person experience if they were in a relationship with you that was completely free of your expectations? Would they begin to experience being accepted? Would they begin to experience being respected?
Here is where this experiment becomes transformational.
Person A chooses one well-justified expectation that you have held about Person B for some time. Then, say to this person, “I have been holding onto an expectation of you that _______,” and fill in the blank with the specifics of your expectation.
Then say, “I withdraw FOREVER the expectation that you _______.”
Then say nothing. Calmly wait in the new space you have just created. Stay present.
Stay connected. Let the feelings come up. Keep breathing.
Experience what happens inside of you, inside of the other person, and in the connection space when you withdraw your expectation forever from them.
Reverse roles between Person A and Person B, and start over.
Consider performing this same experiment with one or two additional expectations. No more. Our nervous system can only adjust to so much transformation at one given moment.
Experimenting is a way to practice simple skills that eventually flow together into greater competence.
What is competence to one woman may seem like magic to another woman,
but it's actually just competence in an uncommon dimension.